20 Worst Things to Say to Someone with Anxiety: A Guide to Understanding Anxiety
We've all done it before.
Either we said something, and in the silence between our words and the other person's reply, we regret what we said.
Or, we've been on the receiving end, and the other person's words somersaulted in our heads all day. "Was it really that mean or am I just being sensitive?"
When you have anxiety, others' words can either help or hurt you, but all too often, the well-intended words of others are unhelpful, sending people into a looping, anxiety hole.
So what is anxiety, and how do other people's words trigger it?
Understanding Anxiety
It's normal to worry or feel anxious in this lifetime, but anxiety disorders involve more than just an occasional worry. For people who suffer from these disorders, the anxiety doesn't go away, and you find yourself worrying about everyday things for no particular reason. Daily life feels like a constant worry or fear, all feeling inescapable. Anxiety disorders commonly run in families, with several parts of the brain and biological processes playing a role in anxiety. On top of that, being in a stressful environment or experiencing a traumatic event may put you at higher risk of developing an anxiety disorder. So, there are a lot of factors that go into anxiety that aren't necessarily in someone's control, like how they were raised or the trauma they might've experienced in childhood.
Common Anxiety Triggers
Triggers can be anything and often differ from person to person. Some people say they feel anxious while chopping carrots or hearing loud noises. Some people fall into a cycle of anxiety after being around people who are acquaintances, second-guessing everything they just said in the interaction.
While everyone's trigger can be different, the following characteristics are typically shared across people's triggers:
Uncertainty
Uncertainty is usually a theme among anxiety triggers, and it helps us understand that triggers can be so different from person to person as it can be anything that makes a person feel uncertain about themselves or the future. Common causes of uncertainty can be anything new: a new job, a move, strangers, relationships, finances, and more. For one person, a book might make them feel uncertain, while for another person, an interaction with an unknown dog can be a trigger. Remembering that the blanket of uncertainty can spread far and wide is key to approaching someone's anxiety with empathy.
Unknown
The sister of uncertainty is the unknown. This is also a common theme among triggers. If your salary each month is unknown, that can cause anxiety. If you don't know how a public speech or performance will go, that can cause anxiety. Anything that is unknown is capable of increasing anxiety in people.
Fear
This one is important. Why? Because everyone's fears are so different. It truly shows how anxiety can show up differently for every person. Heights may cause anxiety for one person, while a promotion may cause anxiety for another. The best thing you can do is ask someone what they fear and be incredibly mindful of how that shows up in their life.
Perception of Ourselves and Our Achievements
Perception is a good one, too. We all perceive ourselves so differently. You might be wondering how perception can cause anxiety. At the root, anxiety is an attempt to meet our needs. Our brain thinks that it can worry its way out of not belonging. Or it can overthink what is uncertain or unknown. In short, our brains believe that if they can think about all the worst cases, it is exposed to the unknown and can survive in the future. While, to a certain extent, thinking about the future and uncertainty is good, extreme worry can not be helpful. So, anxiety is trying to serve us in a life-preserving manner. The thing is, it can go awry and cause us more bad than good. One of our most basic needs is to fit in. If we perceive ourselves in a certain way that doesn't fit in, whether our perception is true or not, it can cause anxiety. Like the rest of these factors, self-perception can vary, mainly from one person to another, which is key to remember here.
While the next set of triggers aren't necessarily causes of anxiety, they do have the ability to prime someone to experience worry and anxiety at a heightened level. When the following triggers are paired with a characteristic from above, there is a high likelihood that anxiety will occur:
Health diagnosis
Sometimes, we receive health diagnoses that are difficult to wrap our heads around, and maybe they are chronic. The root of the health diagnosis is an unplanned change that leaves us second-guessing our well-being. This can exacerbate anxiety and trigger a new cycle of worry and doubt.
Medications
Some medications or drugs can cause us to feel more anxious. Taking a look at our consumption and the benefits of each medication we take is key to understanding anxiety in certain circumstances.
Caffeine
Consuming a lot of caffeine can make someone more prone to experiencing anxiety in unknown or uncertain environments or situations.
Skipping meals
Skipping meals puts your body into a cycle of stress, making you more prone to experience anxiety and worry when unplanned or uncertain events occur.
Conflict
Conflict can make you feel stressed, putting you in unpredictable chaos. This environment can prime you for an anxiety attack.
Social events
Social anxiety is a real thing. Feeling anxious about how you are perceived by your peers is a survival strategy, as humans are incredibly social creatures. We all want to make a good first impression with people we don't really know, and that expectation we put on ourselves leaves us doubting our performance.
Financial concerns
Financial concerns can cause us to feel desperation and uncertainty. We want to be able to pay our rent and bills, but the inability to do so and the uncertainty of when we will be able to do so can cause us to experience chronic worry and anxiety.
Stress
When people are stressed, they are coping with many unknown factors that are causing them stress. Stress primes us to be more reactive in specific scenarios.
Public events
For many people, being surrounded by many new people feels like being surrounded by many unknowns. It feels uncertain and scary. Imagining how each person perceives them is difficult. Because of this, being in public surrounded by a lot of people can be challenging and an anxiety trigger.
Personal triggers: Smells, Places, Songs, Recurring interactions
Again, triggers can be incredibly personal. Certain smells, places, songs, people, and conversations can remind your body of a moment of anxiety from the past, recreating that anxiety in your body. For example, a conversation with a landlord can remind your body of a time when you couldn't pay rent, sending your body into a panic attack. A conversation with a partner can tense your body, priming you for a panic attack. The list is endless. The key here is to remember everyone has different experiences, and being kind is usually the best rule to live by.
So, how do phrases people say hurt people with anxiety?
Many times, these phrases come from someone who is trying to help, but what is the most damaging about all of them is that they are said without knowledge about what anxiety truly is and how it manifests.
Let's dissect them now.
20 Worst Things to Say to Someone with Anxiety
1."Just relax."
Oh, boy. We've all heard it before. Someone is in a mid-panic attack, and someone says, "Just relax." This phrase is unhelpful because it is ignorant of anxiety and how it manifests. Oftentimes, someone who is experiencing anxiety or a panic attack has uncontrollable symptoms that are rooted in a body's response to an event. Their heart is beating faster, breathing faster; their mind is racing. While we can control our breath to a certain degree, these body responses are all subconscious. You don't tell your heart to beat daily or your lungs to breathe. And likewise, you don't know your heart to "Just relax." Therefore, telling someone to relax is unhelpful as anxiety is often the body operating at a subconscious level of fear. Phrases to use instead? Usually, words aren't super helpful during a panic attack, actually, but techniques like touch and grounding can go a long way for the person experiencing anxiety.
2. "It's all in your head."
Well, yeah. Everyone's life exists primarily in their heads through their perceptions, beliefs, values, dreams, and goals. This phrase is like saying, "We live on earth." Super unhelpful. But on another level, anxiety is not a make-believe construct. It is a real thing that manifests as an actual body response to life. This phrase, "It's all in your head," undercuts how real anxiety is for many people. And actually, anxiety is a body's response to fear and trauma. It's not really in the head at all. This phrase undermines the person's experience and is condescending. Avoid this one at all costs in relation to anxiety or just life in general. People's life experiences are real and must be acknowledged more, not avoided. If you've said this before, take a look at how you respond to emotions in your life. Do you avoid difficult situations or emotions? How are you avoiding them?
3. "You're overreacting."
In general, most people don't overreact to pain, difficulties, stress, and emotions. They are real experiences, and we are only human. When we zoom in on a person's reaction to life, most times, we see unaddressed stress, anxiety, unaddressed trauma, and more. Overreacting is also a very subjective term. For someone who never expresses emotions, overreacting can be one tear. Saying this dismisses the severity of someone's experience and encourages the person to act out more. Rather than saying this, try to say something that acknowledges the stress, anxiety, and difficulty the person is facing. "Wow, what you're dealing with seems really hard. I'm sorry; that sucks." Even if you don't completely understand someone's experience of anxiety, acknowledgment of difficulty will go a lot further than undermining someone's experience by saying, "You're overreacting."
4. "Why don't you just face your fears?"
Anxiety is often a response to coming face-to-face with fears or getting close to them in some way. Overcoming concerns and the response of anxiety is often a process of getting a little closer to the fear each time until, finally, you complete the fear with little to no reaction to it. It's called exposure therapy. Sometimes, just holding the fear in your mind is as close as you can get that day, and that's ok. Getting closer to a fear is usually more surmountable with a supportive and encouraging presence. This phrase is neither supportive nor encouraging. It draws attention to the "lack," while the person experiencing anxiety might've pushed their boundaries that day in addressing their anxiety. This phrase doesn't acknowledge the person's inner narrative and what they have achieved.
5. "Calm down."
This one goes hand in hand with "just relax." Refer to number 1 for guidance here. Things that could be more helpful are asking, "How can I support you?" belting their favorite song out loud, offering them sour candy, or hugging them.
6. "You worry too much."
This phrase is incredibly alienating. Everyone has a different baseline for worry. Yours is different than someone else's. While we don't have to be identical to the person experiencing worry, this phrase often heightens anxiety and worry. Cue new anxiety-worry backhole, "Do I really worry too much? Do they hate me now? Do I need to be someone different?" Try this phrase instead: "I can see you are really worried about "x." Is there anything I can do to ease your stress and anxiety? I could do X before we get there." We all love a supportive queen, and this phrase hits it out of the park.
7. "Don't be so negative."
Again, we all have a different level of baseline optimism. Some of the most anxious people can be the best planners because they anticipate everything that could possibly go wrong. Chastising someone for having a different level of optimism than you can be harmful in the long run. Asking a question like, "How can I support you right now?" "Is there anything I can do to relieve you mental load?" are much better questions that might be more productive.
8. "Everything will be fine."
Sometimes, yes. Other times, no, not necessarily. "Fine" for one person might be a steaming pile of shit for another. This phrase dismisses the severity of someone's anxiety. A better approach may be to first acknowledge the anxiety and panic. "I see that X is causing a lot of worry, anxiety, and panic. Is there anything I can do to ease your worry? I remember last time you went through this, you felt it went well. I know you will be able to do it again. What if everything goes well?" This approach feels much more supportive for someone experiencing anxiety.
9. "You should just toughen up."
Being tough has nothing to do with anxiety. Some of the most challenging people in the world deal with anxiety daily, and having to deal with it has made them incredibly resilient and strong. Anxiety has nothing to do with weakness, and this phrase misses the mark of being an informed supporter. It comes off as ignorant and unhelpful.
10. "What do you have to be anxious about?"
This one is tough. It's code for "Your worries are valid enough." We all have anxieties. A better phrase to say could be, "I see X is bothering you; do you want to talk about it?" Be open to hearing their story rather than judging how they should and shouldn't feel.
11. "There are worse things happening."
This phrase is incredibly invalidating. While other tough things can happen in the world, that doesn't make our feelings less valid. We are still allowed to feel hurt, pain, and grief over minor and major life events. Perspective is excellent, but that doesn't mean we cannot feel our feelings, anxiety included. Try the phrase: "What you are feeling matters to me. Is there anything I can do to help?"
12. "It's not a big deal."
This phrase is incredibly invalidating. Little or big, our emotions are still valid. We are still allowed to feel hurt, pain, and grief over minor and major life events. Perspective is excellent, but that doesn't mean we cannot feel our feelings, anxiety included. Try the phrase: "I see how much this means to you. What can I do to help?"
13. "You're too sensitive."
Unfortunately, this phrase is neither helpful nor applicable at the moment of anxiety and a panic attack. Anxiety is not the result of being weak, strong, sensitive, or strong-willed. Some of the most strong-minded people deal with anxiety daily. Anxiety is caused by deep-rooted trauma, and most of the time, that trauma wasn't something the person facing the anxiety could control. Instead of saying this, try: "I see you're feeling a lot right now. Can I support you?"
14. "Snap out of it."
Anxiety is not something that someone can snap out of. It is a subconscious body response. Most of the body symptoms perpetuating the feeling of "anxiety" are out of our control. Instead of using this phrase, get curious about why you need someone else to "snap out of" their experience?"
15. "Have you tried meditation?"
While meditation is an excellent tool for the toolbox, now is not the time to ask this. You can bet your dollar that someone who struggles with anxiety has tried a million and one things to try to cope with it. While your comment is well-intended, it is not helpful.
16. "Don't think about it."
Anxiety happens whether you think about it or not. Not thinking about it will not curb a panic attack from happening.
17. "Just breathe."
While finding a deep breath can help, it can feel dismissive if someone says this mid-anxiety attack. Instead, try to offer support and understanding first and foremost.
18. "It'll pass."
While true, this is unhelpful at the moment. Try saying something more supportive and helpful rather than dismissive.
19. "You should go out more."
Prescriptive phrases based on opinion are not helpful at the moment when anxiety is at its height. Try inviting them to go out with you, or rather a phrase that could be more supportive.
20. "Are you sure you're anxious?"
This is unhelpful. If someone struggles with anxiety, this phrase invalidates their experience. Try asking this instead: "That sounds tough. I'd love to learn more about it. How does anxiety affect your days?
How to Support Someone with Anxiety
Empathetic Responses
In general, all of these phrases are lacking empathy and understanding. They attempt to invalidate or criticize the person struggling with anxiety. While they can be well-intentioned, none of these phrases help someone who struggles with anxiety.
Do's and Don'ts
DO: Ask how you can support someone, default to kindness, put yourself in their shoes, try to understand their experience, ask questions, and stay curious.
DON'T: Invalidate, judge, blame, eye roll, condescend, shut down, dismiss.
Supporting someone who struggles with anxiety doesn't have to be complicated. Leading with kindness is the most impactful, helpful, and supportive thing someone can do when dealing with anxiety and life in general. Stay curious, be kind. We are each fighting inner battles that no one knows about.
If you, your child, teen, or someone you know is struggling with anxiety feel free to schedule a consult with us at Reflect Therapy. We’re here to help.